“On being a rock”
“Nobody’s exempted from having a broken heart.” – Eleonor Lada, 2009
It is said that a person in love can do all things, even attempt to do the impossible. True, love is such a wonderful feeling. It’s a many splendor things. Many have died for love’s sake. It is the most common subject in literature. Countless songs have been written in honor of love; accompanied by the soft blending of melodious instruments that truly melts even the hardest of frozen hearts.
Inasmuch as the overflowing feeling of being in love is, the opposite can happen once love fails. A deafening emptiness seeps in to suck out all the living daylights of the individual; similar to the despicable reputation of the Harry Potter character called “dementors”. The moment love runs away is the moment you’ll realize what pain is. A total eclipse of the heart.
This is my story.
Once upon a time when all elements conspired in my favor, I too flew without wings; I did the impossible. I loved. I can still remember it like it was just yesterday. How I wish I could relive those days. It’s like smiling while driving in the rain. You are sure to get wet but you don’t mind the falling water because you know that at the end of your destination, the sun is waiting for you. That is the exact reason why Romeo likened Juliet to the Sun. Without the sun, men will die. Without love, will men die too?
In the course of my existence during my meandering years, I have felt many emotions. But this so-called love seems to be the most persistent of them all. It comes knocking in the middle of the night. Of course, locking the door is a futile effort. Love is like a thief – it enters in your heart in any way that it can. And it usually gets what it wants.
Year 2010 was the Year of the Tiger – my year. Chinese fortune predicted that those who are born in the year of the tiger should be prepared to face challenges and crucial changes. I don’t usually believe in Astrology. But somehow, I am convinced this time. I was hit. I loved. I was unprepared.
I believe that I am now participating in a self-instigated turn of phase. It’s a complicated process that even I have no idea how to explain it. I guess it really hurts when love fails. When I love, I give up everything for that person – my selfishness, time, feelings, and plans for the future. When I love, there is no more “I, me myself”. Martyrdom – that’s what my friends refer to it. I guess they were right.
Investing on your feeling is dangerous. If I knew that I would someday cry a river, I would have already built a very strong dam. A dam that would withstand even the strongest surge of water from the mountains. Sadly, there was no dam. There was only a clear and smooth passageway for water to flow to the sea. Damn!
So it has come to eventually pass. I loved, but I lost. I could always blame it on incompatibility. I’ve been using that line many times already everytime a girl would say that I am only like a brother to her or that she could only see me as a friend. Nonetheless, whatever the girl’s line may be, I am reluctantly forced to accept friendship which in __________’s case was extremely different. 2010 was truly full of surprises.
Among all the other girls that I courted, with ___________, it was different. I fell in love not just with her, but also with her family and relatives. We have gotten so close to each other that I even came to the point of thinking that she was the girl whom I’d like to spend the rest of my life with. True, we were in a way not compatible. We would have occasional clashes of principles and small words tend to make us irritable. I guess it goes naturally because I knew she already had my heart.
The months I spent with her were amazing. What used to be an organized person had turned into a spontaneous freak, who acts without planning, who moves at the spur of the moment. We played “shakay” on Valentines Day, we had fighting fish as pets, we had nightly calls, and we’d laughed even when there was no reason to laugh at all.
Being with her brought me to a diverse level of happiness. It’s the kind of happiness that cannot be substituted with money. I began to think differently. I worked not for myself but for her so that I may have something to prove. I lived for her happiness. She became my Juliet. She became my sun.
She introduced me to her family and relatives who accepted me. They were a happy bunch! Everytime they got together, laughter would be heard from all corners of the house. I would just stay quiet and listen to them talking and laughing (while the husbands please themselves with beer and turns at the videoke machine). Quiet as I may be on the outside, my soul inside is leaping with joy to see their faces and to hear melodious laughter. Even the dog’s bark became music to me. I will be forever grateful to them especially to her cousins.
Sadly, dark clouds blinded the way and I wasn’t man enough to blow them off… :-(
To state the obvious, everything went downhill.
(to be continued)
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