Words I Never Said

Disclaimer: This is not my original letter.

Hey there, stranger.

It’s been a very long time, which I’m sure you’re aware of. I’d like to say that it was my decision alone to keep this distance, but I think we both know it was for the best. I’d like to say that I’m glad you are well, but as we both know I have absolutely no idea how you are. The one thing that can definitely be said is that when we cut ties, we leave no strand behind, but slice right through until we no longer remember how to find each other. It’s amazing to think that once we were inseparable, the best of friends.

You knew me inside and out, and I, you. We were there for each other in the best of times and through the most difficult of times. We definitely managed to put each other through hell on occasion, but when support was needed the most, support was given. Until, of course, that final day. I sometimes find myself wondering why we couldn’t stay in touch. Would it be so bad if we got together for coffee from time to time? Or if we gave each other a ring to see how the other was doing?

Using the phone to make calls has become archaic, but surely we could send a text to wish each other a happy birthday? Or a happy New Year? I mean, we’ve been through so much. You are a part of my life and there is nothing I can do to ever change that.

You can’t be forgotten because forgetting you would be like forgetting myself — impossible. But then again, maybe you are right. Maybe we are better off as far apart as possible. We know we aren’t right for each other. We know it would never work, and we know the friendship we have — we had — created a bond that would make slipping back into romance too easy. It would make repeating the same mistakes too likely, repeating the same heartbreak certain. That’s what it really comes down to: It’s not my heart that I’m worried about, but yours. Breaking my own heart would be my responsibility to bear, but I can’t once again be responsible for breaking yours.

So all that I can do is wish you the best. Wish you a great, bright, loving future. Wish you to find the lover of your dreams and to create a lifetime of your fantasies. I wish for you to find a friend as great as me, but a much better partner. One who won’t drag you through the mud. One who you won’t feel the need to bury with guilt. I wish you all the best and although you will never read this, although we will never speak to each other again, and although you are out of my life forever, I wish you nothing short of happiness.

Never Again to be Yours,

Your Lost Best Friend

Courageous

Let me share this beautiful speech from the movie "Courageous." 

As a law-enforcement officer, I've seen first hand the deep hurt and devastation that fatherlessness brings in a child's life. Our prisons are full of men and women who lived recklessly after being abandoned by their fathers, wounded by the men who should have loved them the most. Many of these children now follow the same pattern of irresponsibility that their fathers did. While so many mothers have sacrificed to help their children survive, they were never intended to carry the weight alone. We thank God for them, but research is proving that a child also desperately needs a daddy. There's no way around this fact.

As you know, earlier this year my family endured the tragic loss of our 9-year-old daughter, Emily. Her death forced me to realize that only had I not taken advantage of the priceless time I had with her, but that I did not fully understand how crucial my role was as a father to her and our son, Dylan. Since her passing, I’ve asked God to show me through His word how to be the father that I need to be. 

I now believe that God desires for every father to courageously step up and do whatever it takes to be involved in the lives of his children. But more than just being there or providing for them, he's to walk with them through their lives and be a visual representation of the character of God, their Father in Heaven. A father should love his children and seek to win their hearts. He should protect them, discipline them, and teach them about God. He should model how to walk with integrity and treat others with respect and should call out his children to become responsible men and women who live their lives for what matters in eternity. 

Some men will hear this and mock it or ignore it. But I tell you as a father, you are accountable to God for the position of influence he has given you. You cannot fall asleep at the wheel only to wake up one day and realize that your job or your hobbies have no eternal value, but the souls of your children do. Some men will hear this and agree with it, but have no resolve to live it out. Instead, they will live for themselves and waste the opportunity to leave a godly legacy for the next generatio

But there are some men who, regardless of the mistakes we've made in the past, regardless of what our fathers did not do for us, will give the strength of our arms and the rest of our days to loving God with all that we are and to teach our children to do the same. And whenever possible to love and mentor others who have no fathers in their lives, but who desperately need help and direction. And we are inviting any man whose heart is willing and courageous, to join us in this resolution.

In my home the decision has already been made.

You don’t have to ask who will guide my family, because by God’s grace, I will.

You don’t have to ask who will teach my son to follow Christ, because I will.

Who will accept the responsibility of providing (for) and protecting my family? I will.

Who will ask God to break the chain of destructive patterns in my family’s history? I will.

Who will pray for and bless my children to boldly pursue what God calls them to do? I am their father. I will. 

I accept this responsibility and it is my privilege to embrace it. I want the favor of God and His blessing on my home. Any good man does. 

So where are you men of courage? Where are you, fathers who fear the Lord? It’s time to rise up and answer the call that God has given to you, and to say:

I will! I will! I will!

Gawad Kalinga 2011: Heroism

There is nothing greater than the heart of a volunteer.

It started with a simple thought. I was in one of my tranquil soliloquies when this question suddenly sprouted in my head: What are you planning to do on your 25th birthday? I thought about it for weeks. See, it has always been my tradition to give myself something good, expensive and tangible during my birthday ever since I started working. It’s equivalent to a tap on the shoulder for a job well done.

The answer came to me one day and in a weirdest possible way.

I was driving home from work when I stopped at an intersection to allow pedestrians to cross. When I looked to my right, Tito Bebot Sarmiento, our former CFC Provincial Area Director, greeted me with a smile. Being the SFC that I am, I forced myself out of my motorcycle to talk to him for a while. I wasn’t in a hurry anyway. Our conversation was short. He asked me if I had been to Bantayan Island in Cebu. He told me about the white sandy beaches. He further told me that he will be going there to participate in a weeklong Gawad Kalinga activity. He invited me to join him. He must have known that I love the sea.

I am familiar with Gawad Kalinga (or so I thought); I’ve participated in many works in our local GK sites, mostly during Sundays, here in Pagadian City, Zamboanga del Sur. And in those works, all I got in return were backpain, a bucketload of sweat, sore muscles, some scratches, and a severely-tanned complexion. Back then, my perception to GK was as shallow as a puddle of water on the side of a road. I worked for GK because I was an SFC; I worked for GK because our Chapter Head told me to do so; I worked for GK because I enjoyed being with my household.

It took me quite a while to convince myself to join the GK build in Bantayan because I knew that I was in for some hard labor. But I joined anyway. I was more excited to see the Island itself; the GK Build was an excuse for me. Maybe this was the birthday gift that I wanted. I imagined myself walking down the beach, taking photographs of the sea, and bragging about it later on when I return. Yes, I think I was being selfish. But now I prefer to look to it as God working in His mysterious ways.

April 4, 2011, Bantayan Island. The first thing I noticed upon arriving at the dock was the tarpaulin that greeted us. Written in clear letters, it said, “WELCOME, MGA BAYANI!” It gave me a slight chill in my spine because I knew that I wasn’t physically prepared for the tasks in store for us. But I was optimistic, nonetheless. The GK Team of Pagadian City, Zamboanga del Sur, was composed of only ten members, most of which are SFC members, and some have already gone to other GK builds prior to this one.

We set our tents at an elementary school nearest to the venue. Yes, we lived in tents for the entire duration. The ironic part of it all is that the empty classroom meant for us to occupy was beside our tents, and we only used it to hang our clothes. We were practically roughing it! It is only in GK where I get to sleep with a shovel beside me.

I was amazed because I thought I’d be with people who are used to hard labor (construction workers, plumbers, masons, etc). Instead, I found myself surrounded by thousands of volunteers who, I think, most of them don’t even know what a broom looks like. I’m not kidding. Most of the volunteers were teenagers coming from private schools in the Luzon area, specifically, Manila. There were students from Ateneo and UP, to name a few. There were Filipinos families from abroad who returned to the Philippines just to build. There were even foreign delegates. And they all looked battle-ready. This gave me a smile.

It was in this moment when I was reminded of what Tito Bebot Sarmiento told me days before we travelled. ALLOW GAWAD KALINGA MAKE AN IMPACT INTO YOUR LIFE. LET IT SINK INTO YOUR HEART. LEARN TO KNOW WHY WE DO THIS AT OUR OWN EXPENSE. I’ll never forget those words. Never.

 I was even more astonished when I learned that a Mayor from Sulu and the Governor of Compostela Valley are also present, along with their band of volunteers. It was my first encounter of politicians who were not afraid to get dirty, who were not surrounded by heavily armed men, who weren’t dressed in Barong Tagalog, politicians who were literally in the level of the people. This gave me a bigger smile. There is still hope in the Philippines, after all.

Our team was assigned at the GK Village in Mojon. Due to our lack in number, we weren’t asked to build a house. Our first assignment was to dig the ground to make a pathway for water to flow freely when it rained. Along with us was the GK Team from UP Los Banos and GK Team Bacolod City.

As we began to dig the ground, kneeling on the dirt, sweating furiously, time flew so fast. There was activity everywhere. Everybody was doing their own part. No task was too big because it was a sure guarantee that somebody would always be there to help you carry a bucket of water, or a can of paint, or a large rock. I can see that all of them were shedding the same amount of sweat that I was shedding. In that moment I began to look at them in a different way. They were heroes. And the heroism went on for the next five days.

...TO BE CONTINUED...

“Amore”

This particular article reveals my history and thoughts on love.

When I was in high school, an autograph once told me that “love is a feeling you feel when you feel that you are feeling a feeling that you haven’t felt before”. Whatever that feeling was, I’m sure it wasn’t love. It might as well be migraine. Back then, love, for me, was vague and based on tangible objects such as flowers, stuffed toys and chocolates. It’s as if every girl wants to receive at least one if not all of those items and more especially on Valentine’s Day. It’s as if each boy is required to do so. Recalling those days makes me giggle at the thought of us all dressed in our best damn suits, rushing to the nearest flowershop to select the best bouquet and handing it over to a girl who most probably expected it anyways. (That’s the rationale behind the requirement concept. Not giving her flowers on Valentine’s Day would most probably mean two weeks of silence). But hey, that’s just my idea. Truth is, I never had a girlfriend in high school. I was busy mastering the art of COUNTER-STRIKE.

Fast forward to College. It was great! I fell in love... with the books at the library. Yep, I spent most of my school days reading, writing, eating ribusaw, riding the noisiest jeepneys, playing the bass guitar and reading. However, It would be too sarcastic for me deny liking a girl. But fate (and perhaps determination) didn’t go by my side. Maybe it was a good thing after all. I ranked no. 1 in my department when I graduated. Reflecting on those past memories somehow makes me feel envious and relieved at the same time. Why? I envied my classmates who have boyfriends/girlfriends. But I felt relieved because I knew that if I had a girlfriend back then, I’d probably have an early/unplanned marriage which would make me miserable. But hey, that’s just my idea.

Note: Maybe this isn’t a good time to update my blog. Ideas are running in my head; and once again I find my typing skills running after the words that I am trying to formulate. But, let’s continue.

2006, 2009. Law School. From my very first entry of the dreaded law school, I drove myself away from social interactions. I’d spent more than eight daylight hours in my room reading the thickest books. But sadly, fate tested me again. I quit law school because I really thought I was in love. I sacrificed my studies for the sake of this half-Japanese girl who had been playing with me all along. Yes, it did hurt! But hey, nobody’s exempted from having a broken heart. Right? Amen!

Present. Right now, I look at love differently (and perhaps in a mature manner, I think). Personal experience has taught me that love fades, love is blind, love can be replaced, love is deceitful, and love can turn to hate. On the brighter side, my own definition of love comes from the Bible. I am most specifically pointing to that verse which says LOVE IS PATIENT.

It takes a lot of guts to show love. But it takes more guts to show patience. Right now, I’m exercising my patience. I’m assigning God as the President of this particular department of my life. As of the moment, there’s somebody close to my heart. She’s so close yet so far. But it doesn’t bother me much anymore. See, I have learned that love doesn’t need physical contact in order to be ignited. I am contented with the fact that I love her (although she doesn’t feel the same for me). I’m happy because I was able to be with her. Not only was I in love with her, I also fell in love with her family. The days I spent with her family (even when she was away) were amazing. True, not all of those moments were filled with happy memories. But still I am thankful. I am truly thankful. 

I guess love isn’t so hard to define at all. In fact, no words can truly describe love – actions do. And although we have up and down moments, despite our disputes and occasional verbal fights, I am happy because I am learning to love her more than I did before. I could have retreated. I could have stopped chasing her. I could have chased another girl. After all, there are many bats in a cave. But I didn’t.

Dear readers, you are free to refer to me as a martyr, a fool, an addict. I won’t be offended at all. The truth is, I am in love. 

Hanamizuki

Hanamizuki

To the sky you reach out your hand

The songs of the clouds

Call you to distant lands

To the wind you call my name

Carried to the shore

The shore where I wait

A dogwood flow'r, I'd give to you

A blossom then, soon come to bloom

May the dreams you hold

The dreams that shine like rosen gold last forever

I wish for you to shine above

To radiate your endless love

May it last a hundred years from now

Summer heat weighing down on us

This boat is too weak and so in me,

Please trust I will follow you

Please go ahead and I will be there soon

A dogwood flow'r, I'd give to you

A blossom then, soon come to bloom

May the dreams you hold

The dreams that shine like rosen gold last forever

I wish for you to shine above

To radiate your endless love

May it last a hundred years from now

To the sky you reach out your hand

The songs of the clouds

Call you to distant lands

To the wind you call my name

Carried to the shore

The shore where I wait

A dogwood flow'r, I'd give to you

A blossom then, soon come to bloom

May the dreams you hold

The dreams that shine like rosen gold last forever

I wish for you to shine above

To radiate your endless love

To the sky you reach out your hand

The songs of the clouds

Call you to distant lands

To the wind you call my name

Carried to the shore

The shore where I wait

A dogwood flow'r, I'd give to you

A blossom then, soon come to bloom

May the dreams you hold

The dreams that shine like rosen gold last forever

I wish for you to shine above

To radiate your endless love

May it last a hundred years from now

Legacy of an adopted child

Once there were two women

Who never knew each other

One you do not remember

The other you call mother.

Two different lives,

Shaped to make yours one

One became your guiding star

The other became your sun.

The first gave you life

And the second taught you to live in it

The first gave you need for love

And the second was there to give it.

One gave you nationality

The other gave you a name

One gave you the seed of talent

The other gave you an aim

One gave you emotions

The other calmed your fears

One saw your first smile

The other dried your tears

One gave you up

It was all that she could do

The other prayed for a child

And God led her straight to you.

And now you ask me through your tears

The age old question through the years

Heredity or environment - 

Which are you a product of?

Neither, my darling, - neither.

Just two different kinds of LOVE.

my love is here for you.